Thursday, October 23, 2014

Surfacing


I have been away for a while.

79 days to be exact since I last published anything on The Canary Files.  And while I have missed writing and sharing here, what I learned (and am continuing to learn) in the time since was a lesson long overdue.  A lesson that I could no longer conveniently keep on the back burner, pretend was not there, or place into a box wrapped with a perfectly tied bow.

A lesson that I knew would be difficult to write about and that I would procrastinate long and hard about formulating into words.


I'll begin by saying that the heart is a fragile thing.  But with all our efforts to keep it safe, to erect barbed wire walls, locked doors, and laser security around it to keep it from being manipulated, mishandled, dropped, or toyed with, do we really know what we're protecting it from?  Like a flower encaged in a maze of chicken wire, does this isolation truly enhance the beauty one is trying to preserve?  If someone cannot stoop down to be inspired by its fragrance, admire the velvet softness of its petals, or a moth cannot fly freely into its embrace to harvest pollen, then what good is the service of this defense?

If cryptic riddles aren't your thing, then I'll do my best to be plain:

The heart will heal.  The heart will love again.  But in order to discover that kind of faith, we need to allow it to break.  We need to allow it to feel pain, anguish, we need to allow someone to be reckless with it, we need to allow it to crack, and sometimes shatter.  We need to allow it to be vulnerable in  order for it to grow, to strengthen, to evolve in its beauty, and to serve its purpose.  In order for us…for me….to learn.

Since the break up, I've been thinking, "I will write again when I feel like myself."  But looking back, I silently (and sometimes not so silently) chuckle at my own naiveté.  Because the person I was before then is clearly not the person composing this post.  For the first few weeks, I waited patiently for that person to return.  For me to finally wake up from the feelings of abandonment, stupidity, loneliness, and the admonitions of "You should have known better."  To snap out of it and feel normal again.

But now I know that I could not have known.  That normal has never really been my thing.  And that by braving the chaos of those feelings, as nightmarish as it was at times, I was given the keys to putting my heart back together in a different way and bringing order back into my life.  Unexpected, and honestly unwanted, events (including a car-totaling wreck) seemed to be leading me away from my course.  But, in fact, they were deliverance to the new journey I was meant to begin.  And with my new heart, I am now a new person who cannot ever see, feel, touch, taste, or connect with the world in the same way again.  And I am at peace with that.

I, the person I am at this moment, must pick up where my previous "I" left off - continuing to document his travels on a road less traveled, singing his song not in spite of his circumstances, but because of them.   

For that is the heart of The Canary Files.

2 comments:

Thank you so much for visiting The Canary Files. I hope you have enjoyed what you have read and seen. Your feedback is valuable to me and I read and reply to every single comment. So sincere thanks in advance for sharing not only your thoughts, but your time as well.

All the Best,
Jonathan

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...